Working Mums' Struggles

I am a working mother but because I work part-time, I get to devote more time and energy to my 2 boys. I prepare their breakfast, give them a shower, eat breakfast with them before sending them to child-care centre. I fetch them after their afternoon nap at the centre, eat dinner with them, coach them in doing some simple work, before putting them to bed each day. I bring them for their weekend classes and am there for functions held at their centre.

I started working part-time since the birth of my younger boy in 2007. Even though I am working part-time, I find my energy drained by the end of working hours. I can imagine how other working mothers struggle to engage their children after more than 8 hours of work.

Being in the public service has allowed me to work part-time for child care reasons. Having said that, it is not without its sacrifices. When I did not get my promotion after many years, my former supervisor told me in an 'as-a-matter-of-fact' manner that 'you can't have the whole cake and eat it'. He meant that I cannot expect to manage my family well at the expense of work, and still get my promotion even though I was performing. I was angry when I heard that. I thought that family and work are 2 independent entities. Who says I cannot manage work well when I opted for lesser working hours? I was getting my work done. In fact, I was taking on full time responsibility while spending less hours at the office. I brought work home to do at times and did them after my children went to bed. Shouldn't that mean efficiency and ability in multi-tasking?

That was 3 years ago. I still did not get my promotion, but I have stopped being resentful. I have come to accept that this is the choice that I made for my children. I felt assured when I read a book 'Why Your Children Love You' by Dr Eliza Lian-Ding, a psychologist. In page 130 of her book, she wrote:

"Contrary to the popular belief that a woman can have the best of both the working world and a contented family, I believe that you can't have it all at once. One brain and body cannot attend to competing demands with equal attention and impact. Every child-bearing worman has certain decisions to make. In both cases, they involve sacrifices of sorts. It really depends on what one can live with. Saying 'yes' to something inevitably means also saying 'no' to something else."

This makes a lot of sense to me now. There is some truth about 'you can't have the whole cake and eat it' although this truth hurts. I know of some women who try to work up the career ladder and at the same time take charge of what is happening at home. They struggled hard to do well in both. Sad to say, they sometimes ended up failing on both sides. For me, if any sacrifices have to be made, it is clear that it will not be on my children. There are only the precious 10 years of a child's life (or perhaps less) that he or she will be so close to you, and needs you the most. It is time that is irretrievable once it is gone. It is a struggle for women, because it is also the 'golden years' when they can be given opportunities or strive to achieve great heights in their career.

I have several friends who gave up their career to stay at home to care for their children. Some of them may not have another reliable caregiver for their children, while others choose to be the child's main caregiver. It is not an easy decision to make. Some of these mothers are graduates with employable skills. Their decision to focus on child-rearing is clear. They believe the importance of parent-child bonding, and many believe that there is no other person who can take care of their child better than them. This is not arrogance or self-importance. There have been so many studies that backed the idea of the importance of parents in the caregiving role. In page 128 of the same book by Dr Eliza Lian-Ding, "When you are involved in such daily care-giving tasks, you become familiar with your child and, more importantly, your child grows familiar with your ways. It is this sense of familiarity that makes up the intimacy and trust between a parent and a child."

So while we think that it is ok to outsource mandane parenting duties, there are merits in them. It is this close bond that helps a parent and child survive the turbulent teenage years; that helps a teenager overcome negative peer influence. I have great admiration for these mothers. They have chosen the path less travelled in a time and a society where women are encouraged to leave their family to work. They face challenges involving limited financial resources, being out of touch with the working world as well as the lack of stimulation. Most of them seek the support of like-minded women and it helps them to grow in a different way. I read it somewhere that raising a child is the noblest job. It really is. At the end of the day, your child benefits from your nurturing presence. If you were to ask me if I will quit my work to attend to the kids, I will say yes, but not without fears and inner conflicts. But I will someday, and I hope the plan I have will materialise. In the meantime, I shall handle the other kind of struggle - mum who works part-time.

Visit to Abu Dhabi

Yes, I have brought the children to Abu Dhabi to visit their father.
We have been blessed throughout the journey and made it back safely after 8 days of stay. It is not that Abu Dhabi is a dangerous place to be in, but to bring the children there on my own was a daunting thought. This was our first trip as a trio.
It turned out to be not as bad or scary as I have imagined. The children were cooperative during the trip. They were delighted to see their father again. Very happy. To be reunited is good. We all miss each other very much. We were close to tears when we saw each other again after 6 weeks.
However, he was not able to spend the time with us as his work has to go on even when we were there. So I had to bring the children for sightseeing during the day. I brought them to the zoos and to the theme park called Ferrari World. We had a good time but it was tiring for me to have to coax them to move on, as their energy level dwindled quickly in each outing. My hubby spent his 2 day-off with us. We went to Dubai. He brought us around, to all the places that either he had gone to and enjoyed, or had heard about. We enjoyed very much. Dubai is really quite an interesting place. There are many 'wow' experiences for me and the children.
Now, we are back in Singapore, back to the routine, back to catching up with the 'must do's', an example of which is the housechores. Time flies when you are enjoying yourself. I jokingly asked my eldest, 'did we go to Abu Dhabi? or was it a dream?' It does seem like a dream. One moment we were next to each other, and the next moment, we are on skype, separated by tens of thousands of kilometres.

Fathers' Role in Childrearing

My hubby read my post on 'Introduction to a Super Mum' that day and felt that I did not give him enough credit for his contribution to the children's well-being. It's not fair, he protested. I reflected and thought about it and I think that he is right.
I tend to think that I am the most important person in our children's lives because I am a mummy. I am prepared to do the necessary sacrifices because it is expected of a mummy. Being a mummy seems like the most important role that a woman could ever play, and we are prepared to play this role once we have a child.
Is this what maternal instinct is, or is it just about fulfilling societal expectation and norm?
Perhaps it is both. Having carried the child, first as a foetus, for 9 months is a sure way of building a strong connection. We have learnt to protect the helpless little life growing inside us by taking care of what we eat and not eat, do and not do, and for the more superstitious ones, say or not say. This sense of protection did not stop after the life stops growing inside us and becomes an independent being. For most mothers, this sense of protection carries on as we watch the baby grows into a young child, a teenager, an adult and into his old age, for as long as we live. It is an instinctive need to protect and to take care of the child.
It is also about fulfilling societal expectation. There are songs we learnt from childhood that glorify mothers and these are the songs that we also teach our little ones to learn to appreciate us. There is this Chinese song 'Ma Ma Hao' (translated as Mother is Good) that should be familiar in every Chinese household here. It starts by saying that the mother is the only person on earth who is good, and goes on to spell the sadness of those without their mothers by their side. It prompts me to be like that good mother whom my children will adore.
We also celebrate Mothers' Day with great enthusiasm and thoughtfulness compared to Fathers' Day, and most fathers don't seem to mind that. Fathers also tend to travel more for work than mothers do. They seem to find it easier to detach themselves from the children compared to the mothers.
However, the trend may be changing. Perhaps more men are sharing their feelings about their role as a father. More are seeing themselves as having great responsiblity in raising their children. It is a good sign. So when my hubby protested, I was happy. I recalled those moments that he has good laughs with the children, at the children, angry with the children, and played with the children. The truth is, the children also love him. They miss their father, now that he has gone to work in Abu Dhabi and will be away from the family for 4 months. He misses the children too and wishes to be here with us instead.
There has been greater campaigning for fathers to be more involved, by organisations such as Centre for Fathering and Dads For Life. A message I found on a photo frame from Dads For Life which I find very meaningful is 'To be in our children's memories tomorrow, we have to be in their lives today'. More men are becoming more enlightened and have come to enjoy their role in their children's lives. Who gets the most benefit? The children, of course.
So fathers, protest when you disagree with your wife who thinks that you are not doing enough.

Introduction to a 'Super Mum'

I have been thinking of setting up a blog for a long time. I love to write and to share my ideas. Many of my friends have their own blog but I have waited this long to start one. I have been too busy.
I don't really like to be called Super Mum, but I guess I have become one while trying to play and fulfil multiple roles of a mother.
Being a working mum with 2 preschoolers, aged 3 and 5 is difficult without a domestic helper. I handle the chores, prepare breakfast, send them to school, fetch them, cook dinner sometimes, take care of the basic caregiving and I teach them and am involved in their learning.
I almost sound like I am complaining. The truth is, I am not that super. I can't be doing everything by myself. My hubby is usually our chaffeur and outdoor manager. He brings us to parks or other interesting places in the weekends and the kids enjoy his company. He is around during the weekdays but is usually busy with work, even though he works from home now. He can't really multi-task... (one thing at a time). Oh yes, he takes care of the laundry too, but usually finds it a chore to have to wash loads of kids' clothes. My mum helps too, cooking for us sometimes and provides relief childminding when I need to 'get a life' such as going for facial treatments.
Life with children is indeed exciting. If you were to ask me if I wish there is someone else to do the job, I will be proud and happy to say that I prefer to do all these than to outsource to someone else. Children need us, and the truth is, we need them. We need them to feel alive and needed. We are their guide but they are ours too. They guide us to prioritise and simplify our lives.
I know that many mothers out there will agree with me, that being a mother is more than just bearing children. The process of raising them brings about real joy. Those who is willing to go through this process will understand this.