Working Mums' Struggles

I am a working mother but because I work part-time, I get to devote more time and energy to my 2 boys. I prepare their breakfast, give them a shower, eat breakfast with them before sending them to child-care centre. I fetch them after their afternoon nap at the centre, eat dinner with them, coach them in doing some simple work, before putting them to bed each day. I bring them for their weekend classes and am there for functions held at their centre.

I started working part-time since the birth of my younger boy in 2007. Even though I am working part-time, I find my energy drained by the end of working hours. I can imagine how other working mothers struggle to engage their children after more than 8 hours of work.

Being in the public service has allowed me to work part-time for child care reasons. Having said that, it is not without its sacrifices. When I did not get my promotion after many years, my former supervisor told me in an 'as-a-matter-of-fact' manner that 'you can't have the whole cake and eat it'. He meant that I cannot expect to manage my family well at the expense of work, and still get my promotion even though I was performing. I was angry when I heard that. I thought that family and work are 2 independent entities. Who says I cannot manage work well when I opted for lesser working hours? I was getting my work done. In fact, I was taking on full time responsibility while spending less hours at the office. I brought work home to do at times and did them after my children went to bed. Shouldn't that mean efficiency and ability in multi-tasking?

That was 3 years ago. I still did not get my promotion, but I have stopped being resentful. I have come to accept that this is the choice that I made for my children. I felt assured when I read a book 'Why Your Children Love You' by Dr Eliza Lian-Ding, a psychologist. In page 130 of her book, she wrote:

"Contrary to the popular belief that a woman can have the best of both the working world and a contented family, I believe that you can't have it all at once. One brain and body cannot attend to competing demands with equal attention and impact. Every child-bearing worman has certain decisions to make. In both cases, they involve sacrifices of sorts. It really depends on what one can live with. Saying 'yes' to something inevitably means also saying 'no' to something else."

This makes a lot of sense to me now. There is some truth about 'you can't have the whole cake and eat it' although this truth hurts. I know of some women who try to work up the career ladder and at the same time take charge of what is happening at home. They struggled hard to do well in both. Sad to say, they sometimes ended up failing on both sides. For me, if any sacrifices have to be made, it is clear that it will not be on my children. There are only the precious 10 years of a child's life (or perhaps less) that he or she will be so close to you, and needs you the most. It is time that is irretrievable once it is gone. It is a struggle for women, because it is also the 'golden years' when they can be given opportunities or strive to achieve great heights in their career.

I have several friends who gave up their career to stay at home to care for their children. Some of them may not have another reliable caregiver for their children, while others choose to be the child's main caregiver. It is not an easy decision to make. Some of these mothers are graduates with employable skills. Their decision to focus on child-rearing is clear. They believe the importance of parent-child bonding, and many believe that there is no other person who can take care of their child better than them. This is not arrogance or self-importance. There have been so many studies that backed the idea of the importance of parents in the caregiving role. In page 128 of the same book by Dr Eliza Lian-Ding, "When you are involved in such daily care-giving tasks, you become familiar with your child and, more importantly, your child grows familiar with your ways. It is this sense of familiarity that makes up the intimacy and trust between a parent and a child."

So while we think that it is ok to outsource mandane parenting duties, there are merits in them. It is this close bond that helps a parent and child survive the turbulent teenage years; that helps a teenager overcome negative peer influence. I have great admiration for these mothers. They have chosen the path less travelled in a time and a society where women are encouraged to leave their family to work. They face challenges involving limited financial resources, being out of touch with the working world as well as the lack of stimulation. Most of them seek the support of like-minded women and it helps them to grow in a different way. I read it somewhere that raising a child is the noblest job. It really is. At the end of the day, your child benefits from your nurturing presence. If you were to ask me if I will quit my work to attend to the kids, I will say yes, but not without fears and inner conflicts. But I will someday, and I hope the plan I have will materialise. In the meantime, I shall handle the other kind of struggle - mum who works part-time.

Visit to Abu Dhabi

Yes, I have brought the children to Abu Dhabi to visit their father.
We have been blessed throughout the journey and made it back safely after 8 days of stay. It is not that Abu Dhabi is a dangerous place to be in, but to bring the children there on my own was a daunting thought. This was our first trip as a trio.
It turned out to be not as bad or scary as I have imagined. The children were cooperative during the trip. They were delighted to see their father again. Very happy. To be reunited is good. We all miss each other very much. We were close to tears when we saw each other again after 6 weeks.
However, he was not able to spend the time with us as his work has to go on even when we were there. So I had to bring the children for sightseeing during the day. I brought them to the zoos and to the theme park called Ferrari World. We had a good time but it was tiring for me to have to coax them to move on, as their energy level dwindled quickly in each outing. My hubby spent his 2 day-off with us. We went to Dubai. He brought us around, to all the places that either he had gone to and enjoyed, or had heard about. We enjoyed very much. Dubai is really quite an interesting place. There are many 'wow' experiences for me and the children.
Now, we are back in Singapore, back to the routine, back to catching up with the 'must do's', an example of which is the housechores. Time flies when you are enjoying yourself. I jokingly asked my eldest, 'did we go to Abu Dhabi? or was it a dream?' It does seem like a dream. One moment we were next to each other, and the next moment, we are on skype, separated by tens of thousands of kilometres.