End of P1

School has ended a week ago! A year has passed and the eldest has finished his P1 education! It was not an easy year. He experienced social bullying in the form of sarcasm and ostracism. We turned them into opportunities for learning and he took it in his stride and learnt how to manage negative behaviour and comments. Nevertheless, sometimes the pain can be too great. There was a day when he looked very glum before school and said he really wanted a friend. Friendships that he had formed over the year were brief, and the friends left him shortly after. We tried to take stock and sometimes wondered why he is not able to forge friendships just like the other boys. Having friends is important, and makes school more fun. Those times when he has a friend to hang out with, he was looking forward to school. Afterall, he is a normal 7-year-old. I feel hurt and share his sorrow of not being able to find a good friend. I believe that there is something about him that makes it difficult for others to accept him. He is different. He is different in that he is not aggressive; that he has a mind of his own; and he tries his best to do what is right. He has made us proud by being a well-behaved boy but his peers, particularly the boys in his class don't like him. A boy got angry with him for doing well in his test once. When he got home and thought about the matter, he concluded that he maybe shouldn't do so well so that others might accept him. I told him that by not doing his best, he might disappoint his parents instead. After a few other incidents, he realized that even if he were not to do in his school work, it does not mean that these boys will like him. Indeed, the same boy jeered at him when he scored half a mark more than my son. This is the real world, and it is unfortunate (or fortunate) that he is learning ropes on how to deal with unkind people at this tender age. I wish to shield him from this harsh world but I can't be there to do the job for him. I taught him many strategies which he has practised. We sometimes find humour in those boys' childish behaviours and have a good laugh. However, I am still not sure if the support for him from the entire family was enough to help him through the difficulties he faced in school. Only time can tell if he is confident enough to be who he is, even with rejections from others. I pray hard that he will find a true friend, someone who is like-minded and who is worthy. He has done well academically, and it is a good boost for his confidence and morale. He has overcome some physically challenging activities and that also help in boosting his confidence. I pray that he will be able to overcome such mental and psychological challenges that harsh school environment brings. And definitely thankful that I am around this one year to support him.

Phenomenon of Tuition

Recent highlights on tuition and enrichment for children in Singapore have created quite a bit of a stir. Experts and observers are concerned about the phenomenon of tuition for Singaporean kids. It is not unusual for a child to have more than 2 tutors for a single subject. I overheard a child asking his classmates how many tuition classes they have and shared his own experience of having 6 tuition classes for his 4 primary school subjects. Needless to say, these kids are from the better-off families to be able to afford so many tuition classes. When we imagine the amount of time put in by these children to attend tuition and perhaps the amount of time spent by their parents to ferry them around, the amount of commitment to the pursuit of good results is great. Recently, Ministry of Education even moved to remove the banding of secondary schools that has been based on academic excellence. While such a move may prevent parents from seeking out schools that produce good results among their children, it is hard to stop parents from pushing their children towards academic excellence and to find renowned, name-established schools to send their children to. As a mother myself, I understand the desire of parents to send their children to a good environment where there is competition to do well, and the child is motivated to do well. I have similar aspirations and hopes for my children to go to a good school, do well and move on to pursue further education. This is the formula of success most parents today grow up with. It has worked for most of us, and we foresee that it will work for our children. But could parents today have carried it out too far. Are so many tuition classes necessary in order for one to do well? I was a tutor back in the 1990s, and have met tutored students who needed help in certain subjects. I have never met children who have more than 2 tutors, even though I only taught Maths and Science. Many of these children whom I have taught were not from wealthy families, but their parents were willing to put aside money for tuition. Families these days have higher income, and have no problem providing their children tuition, perhaps more than what they needed. When I was a student in a junior college decades ago, some of my classmates sought tuition for Physics. It was one of the subjects that I struggled with, but I was unable to afford the tuition fees of $50 a lesson, for a group session. My mother was the sole breadwinner and this was a hefty amount to pay. I chose not to take up the tuition and through sheer hard work, scored an A for the subject in the 'A' levels exam. I believe that affluence is the biggest factor in boosting the tuition industry in Singapore. Tuition is meant to help weaker students to cope with school curriculum, but it has become a necessity for even the good ones. While tuition can help students to understand a subject better, it can create a false sense of security for some. Too much reliance on tuition can create complacency towards learning because there will always be someone to help if they don't know. The desire to figure it out on their own may be diminished.

Moral Courage

Last week, my son shared with me about something that happened at school. He felt angry when his teacher scolded and punished a classmate whom he felt was a victim. This boy is a rather quiet boy and tends to be taken advantage of by others. Teacher also tends to think that this boy is slow. Another boy, a notorious one, took this boy's wallet and threw it upwards, resulting in the wallet got stuck up somewhere. When the teacher found out, she punished both boys. My son felt that the first boy was a victim and ought not be punished for this. Later on, when the teacher asked if the class agrees that this first boy is always inattentive in class, my son was one of the few who did not put up his hand. He felt sorry for the boy. I felt sorry for this boy too. I suggested to him that he spends his recess with this boy someday so that the boy has someone to eat with at recess. And he did. He went to sit with the boy for the next few days that followed. I felt that he had moral courage, and told him so. I am also proud of him for showing empathy for the boy who tends to be ostracized. Its been half a year since he joined the school, and he does not have many friends. He does not have a clique because he tends to disagree with the way others do things, such as when they play fighting. He would rather eat alone than to do things that he does not believe in. In a way, it is good. He could tell what is right. However, he may end up not having any friends if he were to set his standard so high. I told him to accept that no one is perfect and he can be friendly with everyone even if he does not agree with them. It is a tough call for me. On one hand, I do not want him to join friends just because he wants to belong to some group. On the other, I am worried that he will be a loner. He cannot find someone who is similar to him. I feel sad for him even though he did not seem too bothered at this age, afterall the recess is too short for him to feel bored. Today, he told me that a girl in his class instigated the whole class to take an extra 10mins because their teacher let them go for recess 10mins late. Luckily for him, a group of boys decided not to follow the girl's suggestion and went back to class on time. My son joined them to return to class. The other classmates, a big group of them decided to follow the girl's suggestion and were all punished by their teacher. I am disturbed to hear that a girl so young could fight against her teacher by instigating others to follow her. What if my son is the only one who did not agree with the class? Then he would be ostracized and labelled for 'life' as a betrayer. It's so hard being a child these days. Some of these decisions are hard, and I don't assume that children this age has to make such hard decisions until I experience it myself.

Happy Times

I felt happy today when the two boys offered to help me with the chores. They have been folding and keeping their clothes in the cupboards, putting their laundry in the laundry basket, keeping their toys and so on all these while but today seems special. After dinner today, the eldest asked if he can help me with any chores. I told him I am left with mopping of the kitchen floor and he offered to help me. I was a little apprehensive as I was not sure if he will end up messing things up rather than helping, but I said ok. I was amused that he was all ready to help, having his sleeves and trousers folded up. He actually did a good job, although the floor was quite wet because he was not quite able to wring the floor mop. He followed up by turning on the fan to blow it dry. The younger one was also eager to help. He washed some dishes today. A few days ago, he folded all my clothes and kept them in the cupboard for me. I was pleasantly surprised. This 4-week long holiday is the first holiday that we spent together, basically 24 hours a day. We did many things, at home and sometimes out. The eldest learnt to play the badminton during this period. He was motivated to play badminton because his classmates were able to play the sport. I got a pair of rackets for him to practise. He did not give up even though he couldn't quite hit the shuttle cock in the first 2 weeks. Now, he can serve quite well, and could play with his dad! The younger one took this 4 weeks to learn to read, and has made great improvement. We started having holiday activities even before the June holidays. On 19-20 May, we went for an overnight camp at Sentosa's Underwater World. It was a very interesting experience, and for the first time, the kids experienced camping, and sleeping in a sleeping bag. It was also very interesting for me, to be sleeping with the fishes swimming overhead. We went for farm visits, as well as Night Safari and Zoo. The first day of the holiday was spent at Botanic Garden picnicking. We went to Night Safari after a one year break. The visit to the zoo was also rather different this time. The children brought along their sketch pad, and they sketched animals as we went along the routes. It is meaningful and engaging. Most times were spent at home, doing some reading, and revision work. The boys played a lot, and they have definitely built on their friendship with each other in this one month. They played so happily that I am pretty much left on my own at those times. I am gonna miss them when the term starts again. While it can be tiring, these are moments to be treasured!

Enrichment Classes

With the proliferation of enrichment classes these days, it is not unusual to see many little children being put in more than a class at one time. There are many popular enrichment centres and some children need to be put on the wait list to get in. Do children need so many enrichment classes? One for Chinese, one for phonics, one for speech and drama, one for ballet or wushu, one for piano or violin. I was once a parent who put my eldest in a few classes at one go - swimming, piano, art and mental arithmetic. At that time there seemed so much for my 5-year-old to learn, and experts' opinion is that children learn best when they are young. But I have since learnt my lesson... My eldest attended more than one year of swimming lessons, though not with regular attendance as he was often not well. At the end of last year, he still could not swim and lacks water confidence. I decided to take him out as his interest was not there. I believe that he was not ready. At 7 this year, he still could not swim. Swimming is definitely a skill that is important to have, but I think I will wait a little longer to enrol him in a swim class...when he is more ready and physically stronger. Now that he is in primary school, he is down to 2 enrichment lessons. We cut it down partly because I am now a stay-at-home mum and we are financially more prudent. He is attending piano lesson and art lesson. He likes to draw but cannot draw well. So we enrolled him for art recently. As for piano, I feel that playing the piano is a skill that requires the use of several senses - the senses of touch, sight and hearing. It also requires the use of both hands, hence building strong synergy between the right and left brain hemispheres. It also encourages hand-eye coordination. Playing the piano is thus an important skill for academic learning. He didn't like playing piano very much, as it requires hard work. Nevertheless he plays about 5 times a week, and derives joy when he could play a piece that appeared daunting at first.  Yes, playing the piano also helps the child to grow up to be more disciplined. I am not hoping for him to be a great pianist, but for him to garner the skills and benefits of playing the piano. I noticed that a child in primary school tends to have many tuition classes. Some children who are poor in foundation may need that but many do so to boost their academic performance. I have heard of parents enrolling their children in brand named tuition centres only to engage another private tutor to help the child with the homework from the first tuition centre.  I wonder how the child manages. I am glad that I am able to coach my eldest in his studies and hence spare him the agony of running from one tuition centre to another. I am not all that versatile and knowledgeable,  but I learn along with him.  I am hoping that I won't be succumbed to the pressure of putting him for classes just to keep up with the rest. Do I want my child to out-perform his peers? I do, but to put him through the rat race just to show that he is capable is unnecessary. I admit that I feel disappointed when he did not score full marks for his tests when he told me that some of his classmates did, but I reflect on it, and decided that it is ok if he is not the best, (he has among the better ones though) , what is more important is that he enjoys learning. We cannot have the best of both worlds, and as parents have to make a decision on what is best for our child, and stick to our guns when he didn't get into the best class or touted as the star pupil.

Growing Up

It dawned on me that day that the little one has grown up. The younger one is five this year, and the change in him for the past few months has been quite significant. While he still looks very babyish and is certainly still the baby in the family by virtue of his birth order, he behaves more maturely now.  He participated in the school's concert 2 weeks ago, and was really serious in doing it well. He loves the dance so much that he would get into movement as soon as I hummed the songs.  His ability to "talk back" is good and I sometimes feel amused by his rational and logical reasoning. Of course I didn't praise him for talking back and kept the feelings of amusement to myself. On the whole, he has been more responsive to discipline and reasoning in the past few months. 2 years ago, he almost drove me crazy with his stubborn behaviour. He would hold back his tears and say that it didn't hurt when I beat him even though it clearly was. I hated the frequent battles with him, and little things triggered his temper tantrums. In retrospect, I think that phase was instrumental in helping him develop his ability to reason and manage his emotions now. Once we were talking about his behaviour in school, and he cried bitterly, feeling sorry for what he has done. I refrained from scolding him because he volunteered information of his misbehaviour to me. He was not defensive and nodded in agreement when I pointed out how his teacher has been kind and that being cooperative with the teacher is being helpful to the teacher. It is fun to hear him talk, and he continues to be very adorable and being a dear. However, I noticed that he has a strong sense of insecurity and tends to react to criticisms or negative comments about him. He is also prone to jealousy - another sign of insecurity! I have noticed that he often complained being neglected when I am having a conversation with his elder brother. I have tried to address that with him, pointing out his feeling of jealousy and assuring him of my love.   I like it when he repeated the phrase I said to him  "I love you more than you know!" in a serious tone. This phrase may be grammatically incorrect but what it means is that I love you more than you have perceived or understood. 

Mummys' Decision to stay at home

A quarter of the year has passed. It still feels good to be a stay-at-home mum. I was telling my husband yesterday that it is a calling to be staying at home looking after kids. By this, I do not mean that life as a stay-at-home mum is mundane or difficult. To many parents, making this decision is difficult. It has been in our culture for mothers to work. Many measures have been put in place to support mothers to go out to work. There have been a big jump in the number of new childcare centres over the couple of years, to support working mothers. I suspect that in the near future, we will see a similar jump on student care centres to help working mothers who have school going children.

Our society had made it quite easy for mothers to go back to work after child birth. In fact, many mothers prepare themselves to return to work after the 4 months of maternity leave. Unless it is a case of a mother who cannot find a suitable caregiver for th child, the decision to return to work is the norm. It is also the expectation of the society.

When I had my first child, I felt terrible when I had to return to work after the maternity leave. It's quite like a separation anxiety. It is not surprising, given that I have bonded with my baby for so many months. However, there was no plan to stay at home from the onset. My mother, a first-time grandmother, was prepared to give up her work to take care of my baby, and that was the plan. My husband was also not keen to have me stay at home just to look after kids. We were very practical people who followed the norm.

In fact, having another child to feed would mean we need the dual income. This is one way we rationalize when we return to work. But which mother who chooses to stay at home does not wish for more money, whether to buy more pretty stuff for herself or for the child, or to save up. Mothers who choose to stay at home often work around tight string budgets but come up with creative ways to generate some income. My cousin did it. She has no one to take care of her child when he was born. She did not take too long to decide to stay at home with her child. From there, she started a online shop selling things that she created. It later expanded to quite a scale that brings her a decent income. She has put her skills and talent into good use. She is a case of putting child's interest first, and then find a way to work out solutions to problems, and she came up with creative ones. I have also heard of other mothers who started a home business and manage their time around time to raise their children. It certainly is not easy.

In our society, mothers who stay at home are often thought of as selfish because "they put the financial burden on their husband". At the same time, they were thought of as being unproductive and unwise to give up their career. Indeed some of these women are professionals who are well qualified. They are thought of as wasting their time and effort to have pursued an education and career and giving that up now. Hence, it works against the women who decide to raise their children on their own. Hence, it is a calling.

The common replies that they give when asked about their decisions to stay at home are : "I have no other options", "children come first". However, I tend to think that there are more to these. There are many gratifying reasons to stay at home. Raising children has its gratification for many educated mothers. But the most important thing of all is that our children benefit from our time and presence. Many mothers who stay at home to look after their children can testify.

Term 1 is over soon

The first school term is coming to an end!

Things have much settled down, not without some sorting out though. Matthew has been 'bullied' by some classmates from time to time, and his form teacher often helped to resolve them. One day, he declared that 'it is better to be alone' than to have friends after being disappointed by what a friend did. What a cliche! I have heard this from pupils whom I have counselled who found it hard to relate to others. It sounded sad that my son made that conclusion at such a tender age, and I am not going to encourage to think like this. I told him to try talking to classmates who are friendly and try to make some friends. Much to my relief, he came home the next day to share with me that he made a friend, and they had their recess together. Then another friend joined, and he has 2 friends he can talk to. They share same interest in reading. I know one of the boys' mother too, and I judged that she is a good parent.

Through the influence of this boy, Matthew started to read a series of story books on a rodent by the name of Geronimo Stilton. He said that his classmate has the entire collection. We happened to have a few copies at home, passed down by his cousins. I also tried to get some copies for him by purchasing from an online used bookstore.

The first month was not easy. Matthew has to get used to a new culture of witnessing teachers scolding children frequently. Homework was also plentiful. It got rather stressful for me having to ensure that all the homework is completed. Once, I discovered that a piece of work was not done when we were about to leave for school. Then we have to quickly get back into the flat again to complete it.

Feeling that school is overwhelming the children, I sent an email to the principal to highlight concerns of teachers' constant scolding and homework load. He asked to see me. At the same time, I communicated subtlely to the form teacher about the homework load and the scoldings. Fortunately, she responded positively, and by the time I met the Principal, things are much sorted out. Matthew is also much happier by the 2nd month.

He enjoys has Chinese classes, music and PE lessons. He finds gymnastic class (half an hour each week) challenging, but gallantly and courageously took up the challenge. He had shown a lot of maturity now and has never mentioned that he does not want to go to school despite the problems that he faces. He looks forward to meeting me and his brother after school everyday, and we eagerly wait for him to finish class each day.

He takes pride to be the group leader which he has been assigned the role for this month (the children get to do it for the whole month before the next one takes over). Today, he came home with his Chinese assessment result. 38/40. Not bad for someone with little foundation in the language.... I was happy. However, upon hearing that some of his classmates got full marks, I felt disappointed. The feeling is real but I did not show it. Instead, I told him not to compare his results with others and that what is important is that he tries his best. I told him that I am proud of him. It is so easy to be sucked into the vicious cycle of comparing our child with others and to push him to be the best. I need to resist that compelling force.

As for the youngest, he loves his new school, friends and teachers. He enjoys his Chinese lessons and is often rewarded by his teacher for volunteering right answers. He was however complained by his English teacher for playing around too much sometimes but was described as a natural leader. He went for a school outing with school 2 weeks ago, without his parents, but he truly enjoyed it.

Life as a Stay-At-Home Mum SAHM

I have been officially a SAHM since beginning of this year. I have taken a year off work to stay at home so as to better take care of the needs of the children. It has been with the blessings of my employer and my husband.

What is it like to be a SAHM? At first, I thought I will have great difficulty adapting and adjusting. Afterall, I have not really stayed at home to take care of the children full time except during the maternity leaves. In fact, I almost called it quits during the second week. The eldest fell ill and the younger one was uncooperative. In a fit of anger and frustration one day, I told my husband that we need to put the younger one back to child care centre and I can perhaps do some afternoon work when the eldest is in school. The younger one was taken out of childcare centre this year because I know that I will not be receiving the full subsidy with my new employment status. He is now attending a 3-hour kindergarten in the afternoon, which leaves me just a 3-hour window each day to be on my own. I do crave for that time to be alone sometimes, to relax a little and do some reading. Unfortunately, the afternoons have been spent running errands and doing other chores.

In order to be near to the eldest's school, we have also moved during this period. It was hectic overseeing the renovation, packing and unpacking. That added to my stress!!

The good news is : I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. After 4 weeks, we are much more settled down. The younger one likes his school, partly because it is short hours, and I find a little more time for myself after the relocation and unpacking. We also settled into some form of routine. Thank goodness.

Being a SAHM has many challenges. One of the most obvious ones is the reduction of family income. We have to be more prudent with our spending. We have cut down quite a bit of the children's enrichment classes. Another challenge is the lack of mental stimulation. I am not worried about this because I know how to engage myself in mentally challenging tasks.

What are the plus points? I must say that the children are happier. I cannot imagine the eldest one taking school bus from my mum's house or a student care centre; being one of the first to arrive in school and one of the latest to get home. The children and I have definitely grown closer, and this is the greatest gain for me.

I enjoy preparing them for school, including light cooking, preparing a packed snack for the elder one to bring to school, bringing them for morning walk and sending them to and from school. I find that the mornings that I have with them can be spent purposefully, especially for the elder one who has homework on a daily basis, despite being only in primary 1. He told me how his teachers scolded his classmates badly when they did not complete their homework. How stressful it is for those children who have not been supervised or coached by their parents at home to complete their work.

I have no regrets giving up work for the children. The funny thing is that when I decided to take a break from work, many opportunities opened up for me at work. But I know that I am moving on to another phase of my life and I do not find the giving up painful at all.

Unfortunately, we live in a country that stresses so much on pursuits (academic, career, monetary, power and status). These pursuits blinded us from seeing the value of having more time for our children.

First Week of School

My eldest, Matthew, has reached his next significant milestone! He is attending Primary 1. I was feeling more anxious than him before the school started. There are too many things that I am worried about.. unreasonable teachers, rowdy children, too much homework, his ability to adapt, and his tendency to lose things...

He is indeed a brave little boy and did not display much anxiety about going to school or to be on his own.

This is despite being taunted by a classmate on the first 2 days.

This boy from his class, who is taller and bigger than Matthew, called him a small kid and did not take his turn when using the toilet. He wanted Matthew to go behind him while queuing to use the toilet 'because Matthew is smaller (in size)'. I was very upset when he shared his experience with the family at the dinner table. I thought to myself that 'my worst fear has come'.

We then talked about it and taught Matthew a few stategies to tackle the bully, such as what to say to 'outsmart the bully'. After hearing that there are so many ways to outsmart a bully, he burst out laughing.

The next day, he was still visibly worried that the boy will continue to tease him. I asked if he needed me to speak to the bully and he said yes. While he has been empowered by us to handle the bully, I know that he still finds find it hard to stand up to that boy.

When I sent him to school the next day, I had an opportunity to talk to the boy and I seized it. I went up to him, introduced myself as Matthew's mum before confronting him about the incident in the toilet. I told him that Matthew did not like to be called a small kid, and appealed to him not to be unkind to Matthew. The boy nodded his head.

When Matthew came home that day, he told me that the boy kicked him. I was very furious. I felt strongly that something has to be done. Otherwise, Matthew will feel targeted and victimised and might become a school refusal case. I immediately wrote an email to his form teacher, seeking her assistance. Her response was reassuring, as she agreed to look into the matter. Despite this, I felt a need to let the boy know that I am aware of the incident and want it to stop. He denied kicking Matthew when confronted the next day but what mattered to me is that he knows that I am aware and that I am not pleased with what he did to my son.

The teacher resolved the matter the day after she received my email and for these 2 days, the boy stopped teasing Matthew. Matthew is visibly happier and excited about school. Today, he was jumping around and playing happily after school.

God has blessed me by granting my wish to take a one-year leave from work, to better attend to the children's needs. This incident made me feel more grateful about being able to stay at home with them. I cannot imagine myself being tied up at work and being unable to take leave to settle this. I would have felt very trapped and helpless because I am not able to stand up for my child. As a school counsellor, I have been an advocate for other children, helping them resolve bullying issues. And if I cannot do that for my own children due to work demands, I would be feeling miserable.

While I know that schools generally do not allow parents to directly confront their pupils, I felt that I needed to do it. By taking up the issue with the boy (I did not scold him or intimidate him of course), I think that my son is assured that I care for him and that he mattered a lot to me. I believe that it also sends a strong message to the boy that Matthew is not just some small kid, but he is someone's child and that he knows who that someone is.

I know that it is important for Matthew to stand up for himself. In fact, he has done that in his preschool - fighting back when someone taunted him, and going to the teacher to ask for help when someone took his things. Those are good opportunities for him to learn assertiveness. However, I think that being in a new situation, he needs my voice to help him verbalise his displeasure. With my intervention, I believe that he will be empowered to deal with future situations.

It is always a delicate balance in wanting to protect our child and to allow him to learn to handle situations. Many parents want their child to be independent, but not all children are ready to be independent. Not all children can stand up for themselves. They may not be comfortable to express their unhappiness, or they may not know how. We need to be their advocate when they need us to speak up for them.

These negative experiences aside, Matthew is happy to have two Primary 2 boys who were assigned to be his buddies at recess time. They are friendly and kind, and get along well with Matthew. This reinforces his thinking that there are nice, kind and friendly people around as well. He enjoys going for recess break, and has been buying food from the canteen. On the first day, he had mash potato, and decided that he wanted to have 'tang yuan' on the second day. Unfortunately that was sold-out, and he ended with sweet potato soup on the second day. Yesterday, he had red bean soup, but noted that a girl had hard-boiled eggs from another stall. He decided that today he will have hard-boiled eggs and paid $0.50 for 1 hard-boiled egg, because the stall aunty gave him $0.10 less for the change. When asked why he did not point that out to the aunty, he said the aunty was overwhelmed by too many pupils...

Most importantly, I am happy to see that he is happy!