I have been officially a SAHM since beginning of this year. I have taken a year off work to stay at home so as to better take care of the needs of the children. It has been with the blessings of my employer and my husband.
What is it like to be a SAHM? At first, I thought I will have great difficulty adapting and adjusting. Afterall, I have not really stayed at home to take care of the children full time except during the maternity leaves. In fact, I almost called it quits during the second week. The eldest fell ill and the younger one was uncooperative. In a fit of anger and frustration one day, I told my husband that we need to put the younger one back to child care centre and I can perhaps do some afternoon work when the eldest is in school. The younger one was taken out of childcare centre this year because I know that I will not be receiving the full subsidy with my new employment status. He is now attending a 3-hour kindergarten in the afternoon, which leaves me just a 3-hour window each day to be on my own. I do crave for that time to be alone sometimes, to relax a little and do some reading. Unfortunately, the afternoons have been spent running errands and doing other chores.
In order to be near to the eldest's school, we have also moved during this period. It was hectic overseeing the renovation, packing and unpacking. That added to my stress!!
The good news is : I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. After 4 weeks, we are much more settled down. The younger one likes his school, partly because it is short hours, and I find a little more time for myself after the relocation and unpacking. We also settled into some form of routine. Thank goodness.
Being a SAHM has many challenges. One of the most obvious ones is the reduction of family income. We have to be more prudent with our spending. We have cut down quite a bit of the children's enrichment classes. Another challenge is the lack of mental stimulation. I am not worried about this because I know how to engage myself in mentally challenging tasks.
What are the plus points? I must say that the children are happier. I cannot imagine the eldest one taking school bus from my mum's house or a student care centre; being one of the first to arrive in school and one of the latest to get home. The children and I have definitely grown closer, and this is the greatest gain for me.
I enjoy preparing them for school, including light cooking, preparing a packed snack for the elder one to bring to school, bringing them for morning walk and sending them to and from school. I find that the mornings that I have with them can be spent purposefully, especially for the elder one who has homework on a daily basis, despite being only in primary 1. He told me how his teachers scolded his classmates badly when they did not complete their homework. How stressful it is for those children who have not been supervised or coached by their parents at home to complete their work.
I have no regrets giving up work for the children. The funny thing is that when I decided to take a break from work, many opportunities opened up for me at work. But I know that I am moving on to another phase of my life and I do not find the giving up painful at all.
Unfortunately, we live in a country that stresses so much on pursuits (academic, career, monetary, power and status). These pursuits blinded us from seeing the value of having more time for our children.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
First Week of School
My eldest, Matthew, has reached his next significant milestone! He is attending Primary 1. I was feeling more anxious than him before the school started. There are too many things that I am worried about.. unreasonable teachers, rowdy children, too much homework, his ability to adapt, and his tendency to lose things...
He is indeed a brave little boy and did not display much anxiety about going to school or to be on his own.
This is despite being taunted by a classmate on the first 2 days.
This boy from his class, who is taller and bigger than Matthew, called him a small kid and did not take his turn when using the toilet. He wanted Matthew to go behind him while queuing to use the toilet 'because Matthew is smaller (in size)'. I was very upset when he shared his experience with the family at the dinner table. I thought to myself that 'my worst fear has come'.
We then talked about it and taught Matthew a few stategies to tackle the bully, such as what to say to 'outsmart the bully'. After hearing that there are so many ways to outsmart a bully, he burst out laughing.
The next day, he was still visibly worried that the boy will continue to tease him. I asked if he needed me to speak to the bully and he said yes. While he has been empowered by us to handle the bully, I know that he still finds find it hard to stand up to that boy.
When I sent him to school the next day, I had an opportunity to talk to the boy and I seized it. I went up to him, introduced myself as Matthew's mum before confronting him about the incident in the toilet. I told him that Matthew did not like to be called a small kid, and appealed to him not to be unkind to Matthew. The boy nodded his head.
When Matthew came home that day, he told me that the boy kicked him. I was very furious. I felt strongly that something has to be done. Otherwise, Matthew will feel targeted and victimised and might become a school refusal case. I immediately wrote an email to his form teacher, seeking her assistance. Her response was reassuring, as she agreed to look into the matter. Despite this, I felt a need to let the boy know that I am aware of the incident and want it to stop. He denied kicking Matthew when confronted the next day but what mattered to me is that he knows that I am aware and that I am not pleased with what he did to my son.
The teacher resolved the matter the day after she received my email and for these 2 days, the boy stopped teasing Matthew. Matthew is visibly happier and excited about school. Today, he was jumping around and playing happily after school.
God has blessed me by granting my wish to take a one-year leave from work, to better attend to the children's needs. This incident made me feel more grateful about being able to stay at home with them. I cannot imagine myself being tied up at work and being unable to take leave to settle this. I would have felt very trapped and helpless because I am not able to stand up for my child. As a school counsellor, I have been an advocate for other children, helping them resolve bullying issues. And if I cannot do that for my own children due to work demands, I would be feeling miserable.
While I know that schools generally do not allow parents to directly confront their pupils, I felt that I needed to do it. By taking up the issue with the boy (I did not scold him or intimidate him of course), I think that my son is assured that I care for him and that he mattered a lot to me. I believe that it also sends a strong message to the boy that Matthew is not just some small kid, but he is someone's child and that he knows who that someone is.
I know that it is important for Matthew to stand up for himself. In fact, he has done that in his preschool - fighting back when someone taunted him, and going to the teacher to ask for help when someone took his things. Those are good opportunities for him to learn assertiveness. However, I think that being in a new situation, he needs my voice to help him verbalise his displeasure. With my intervention, I believe that he will be empowered to deal with future situations.
It is always a delicate balance in wanting to protect our child and to allow him to learn to handle situations. Many parents want their child to be independent, but not all children are ready to be independent. Not all children can stand up for themselves. They may not be comfortable to express their unhappiness, or they may not know how. We need to be their advocate when they need us to speak up for them.
These negative experiences aside, Matthew is happy to have two Primary 2 boys who were assigned to be his buddies at recess time. They are friendly and kind, and get along well with Matthew. This reinforces his thinking that there are nice, kind and friendly people around as well. He enjoys going for recess break, and has been buying food from the canteen. On the first day, he had mash potato, and decided that he wanted to have 'tang yuan' on the second day. Unfortunately that was sold-out, and he ended with sweet potato soup on the second day. Yesterday, he had red bean soup, but noted that a girl had hard-boiled eggs from another stall. He decided that today he will have hard-boiled eggs and paid $0.50 for 1 hard-boiled egg, because the stall aunty gave him $0.10 less for the change. When asked why he did not point that out to the aunty, he said the aunty was overwhelmed by too many pupils...
Most importantly, I am happy to see that he is happy!
He is indeed a brave little boy and did not display much anxiety about going to school or to be on his own.
This is despite being taunted by a classmate on the first 2 days.
This boy from his class, who is taller and bigger than Matthew, called him a small kid and did not take his turn when using the toilet. He wanted Matthew to go behind him while queuing to use the toilet 'because Matthew is smaller (in size)'. I was very upset when he shared his experience with the family at the dinner table. I thought to myself that 'my worst fear has come'.
We then talked about it and taught Matthew a few stategies to tackle the bully, such as what to say to 'outsmart the bully'. After hearing that there are so many ways to outsmart a bully, he burst out laughing.
The next day, he was still visibly worried that the boy will continue to tease him. I asked if he needed me to speak to the bully and he said yes. While he has been empowered by us to handle the bully, I know that he still finds find it hard to stand up to that boy.
When I sent him to school the next day, I had an opportunity to talk to the boy and I seized it. I went up to him, introduced myself as Matthew's mum before confronting him about the incident in the toilet. I told him that Matthew did not like to be called a small kid, and appealed to him not to be unkind to Matthew. The boy nodded his head.
When Matthew came home that day, he told me that the boy kicked him. I was very furious. I felt strongly that something has to be done. Otherwise, Matthew will feel targeted and victimised and might become a school refusal case. I immediately wrote an email to his form teacher, seeking her assistance. Her response was reassuring, as she agreed to look into the matter. Despite this, I felt a need to let the boy know that I am aware of the incident and want it to stop. He denied kicking Matthew when confronted the next day but what mattered to me is that he knows that I am aware and that I am not pleased with what he did to my son.
The teacher resolved the matter the day after she received my email and for these 2 days, the boy stopped teasing Matthew. Matthew is visibly happier and excited about school. Today, he was jumping around and playing happily after school.
God has blessed me by granting my wish to take a one-year leave from work, to better attend to the children's needs. This incident made me feel more grateful about being able to stay at home with them. I cannot imagine myself being tied up at work and being unable to take leave to settle this. I would have felt very trapped and helpless because I am not able to stand up for my child. As a school counsellor, I have been an advocate for other children, helping them resolve bullying issues. And if I cannot do that for my own children due to work demands, I would be feeling miserable.
While I know that schools generally do not allow parents to directly confront their pupils, I felt that I needed to do it. By taking up the issue with the boy (I did not scold him or intimidate him of course), I think that my son is assured that I care for him and that he mattered a lot to me. I believe that it also sends a strong message to the boy that Matthew is not just some small kid, but he is someone's child and that he knows who that someone is.
I know that it is important for Matthew to stand up for himself. In fact, he has done that in his preschool - fighting back when someone taunted him, and going to the teacher to ask for help when someone took his things. Those are good opportunities for him to learn assertiveness. However, I think that being in a new situation, he needs my voice to help him verbalise his displeasure. With my intervention, I believe that he will be empowered to deal with future situations.
It is always a delicate balance in wanting to protect our child and to allow him to learn to handle situations. Many parents want their child to be independent, but not all children are ready to be independent. Not all children can stand up for themselves. They may not be comfortable to express their unhappiness, or they may not know how. We need to be their advocate when they need us to speak up for them.
These negative experiences aside, Matthew is happy to have two Primary 2 boys who were assigned to be his buddies at recess time. They are friendly and kind, and get along well with Matthew. This reinforces his thinking that there are nice, kind and friendly people around as well. He enjoys going for recess break, and has been buying food from the canteen. On the first day, he had mash potato, and decided that he wanted to have 'tang yuan' on the second day. Unfortunately that was sold-out, and he ended with sweet potato soup on the second day. Yesterday, he had red bean soup, but noted that a girl had hard-boiled eggs from another stall. He decided that today he will have hard-boiled eggs and paid $0.50 for 1 hard-boiled egg, because the stall aunty gave him $0.10 less for the change. When asked why he did not point that out to the aunty, he said the aunty was overwhelmed by too many pupils...
Most importantly, I am happy to see that he is happy!
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